I'm at a very low point in my life right now. I generally try not to write about things that don't encourage other people, but sometimes it's good to vent and get all your frustrations out of your system. Almost like cleaning the canvas to start all over again.
This year has been extremely difficult. I could say it's been one of the worst years I've experienced in a long while, but it wouldn't be completely true. this year has been difficult on levels I've never experienced before. If I had to compare it to past experiences, I could easily say I've been through worse. But it's challenged parts of me that have never had a decent workout before. And it distresses me, because I feel that I've done nothing but waste my time this entire year. I haven't done anything noteworthy. I haven't taken risks. I haven't challenged myself. I haven't bettered myself. I've just been this blob of nothing.
I feel like I've been going through situations that people in their early 30's deal with. I feel that I haven't been given enough opportunity to let myself be a 20 year old. I feel that I've been forced to become this adult, stuck doing work I'm not interested in, having no money or time to explore the kind of person I could be - and having to settle with being the blob I am now because of it all. And I could sit here all day pointing fingers, but it would do nothing, and there would be no way for me to benefit from it, so why? Everyone will just tell me I'm the only one to blame anyway... everyone will attack me, get involved, shove their opinions down my throat... suffocating me into submitting to their ways. And for what?
People my age that go to university are generally given the chance and time to learn more about the person they want to become, and don't have to worry about rent, bills, food and the age old questions "what am I doing with my life?"... I was given 5 months in total. Whereby I bounced from house to house, left the country for 3 months (3 months filled with lectures about not being good enough for anyone...) and came back home, just to move out again and have to get a job to pay for living. No time for finding comfort, no time to explore myself and what I'm capable of. No time to be myself.
And I'm not the same. I'm a completely different person to the one in my head. Some people say I'd changed for the better, others say for the worse. Another case of never being good enough for anyone. And I must admit, I'm more optimistic (most days) and girly, and I try live my life a little more. But being even more honest, I'm incredibly unhappy. I'm this blob of unicorn shit. I don't feel real. Obviously in the hypothetical sense. But still. I'm just not the person I want to be. And I feel I can't change it unless I completely ruin myself first.
I want to paint. And I want to write music. And I want to sing in front of strangers that appreciate my efforts - even if they are a bunch of drunks at a local pub. I wouldn't care. I want to become an events planner, because so far, I think I'm doing pretty well at it. I want to get involved with film. I want to record an album - even if my family members are the only ones that buy it. I want to teach art classes to 6 year olds. I want to be someones role model. I want to go on holiday to America with my mom and do all kinds of cheesy and touristy things. I want to see my dad laugh. I want to see my brother more often. I want to visit my family in the UK again... I just want to be happy with my life. And I'm not.
So tell me to change it, tell me you think I'm being a whiny bitch... but it really wont make a difference. Right now I'm stuck. And I will change everything soon... I know I will. I have people that Love me & will support me and my crazy decisions. But it's going to need time... and a lot of coaxing... But I hate this person. She lies to herself to make everyone else happy. And I don't like it. 10 year old me would be bitterly disappointed. But I wont carry on being this tool... I hope.
Regards,
The Blob
